A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
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I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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