I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
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The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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