He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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