there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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