and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
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But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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