I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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