how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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