apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize