I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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