I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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