My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
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It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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