I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
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I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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