I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
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I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
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Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize