I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
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Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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