hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
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21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
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My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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