I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
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I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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