are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
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It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
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As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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