I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
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I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
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Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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