Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
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Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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