dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
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Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
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I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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