Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
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stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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