I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
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God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
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That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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