Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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