Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
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Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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