Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
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Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We left the knife in your bed.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
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Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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