after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
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Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
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Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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