you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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