I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
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I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
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Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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