I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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