I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
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Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize