why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
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I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
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Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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