4 words: hood of his car
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
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btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
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Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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