the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize