I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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