I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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