so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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