just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
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I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
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My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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