Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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