i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
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If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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