i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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