You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
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We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
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We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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