his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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