my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
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And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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