grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
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I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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