Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
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Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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