I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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