8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
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I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The power of my boobs compel you
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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