I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
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There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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