Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
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God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
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You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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