he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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